Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. I have a question? Send it here to Athena and Elizabeth. (It’s anonymous!)
Mr. Paydirt
I’m having trouble with my relationship with my boyfriend and don’t know what to do. We just moved in together but are financially separate. We are each responsible for paying the same number of bills, and we send each other the amount we owe. It’s a little fiddly, but it works. We usually pay for our own stuff, except in special cases. We recently started talking about marriage and my boyfriend talked about getting a joint account. I’m generally fine with that, but he doesn’t have enough money in his account to cover everything he spends in a month, except for savings and things he buys strictly for himself (clothes, body products, etc.). When I asked him to put me in, he said, . I really hate this.
I’m a pretty frugal person, and while my boyfriend is okay with spending money, he spends more on things that I find boring. He goes to a more upscale store. When we go out, he buys multiple dishes and brings the extra dishes home to eat sometimes as a snack rather than as a meal. In some cases, the food is something that can be easily made at home or purchased at a store for much less. He buys a lot of things I would never think of buying new, like the latest cars. When I told him about this, he got a little angry. He knows how I want to spend my money, but he is trying to induce me to spend it the way he does. For example, if I go to a restaurant and want two things, he tells me to buy them both, try each one, and take the one I like the least home for lunch the next day.
I told him over and over again, “I don’t spend money like that.” He says we can afford it, which is technically true, but I don’t want to make a big down payment on a house or go on lots of nice trips in the future. I want to save money. I don’t want to waste money buying something I can make myself. I told him all this and said that if he would simply cut back on his money usage, I would look into the type of joint account he wanted. For example, instead of taking a quesadilla home from a restaurant, you might be able to get some extra meat and take it home to make your own quesadilla. He was not willing to budge on this and said that since I was in control of his spending, his plans would be much easier. I told him I don’t care how he spends his money, I just don’t want my money to be spent the same way. We are at an impasse. Do you think I’m overreacting? Am I asking for too much? Should we accept that this is how most high-income Americans spend their money?
–Thrifty Warrior
Dear frugal warrior,
I don’t think I’m forcing myself. I don’t know why your boyfriend is so insistent on putting all the money he spends each month into a joint account. It makes sense to have one account because it defines your recurring expenses (recurring bills, rent, mortgage, etc.), but given your different spending styles, it makes sense to have one account for all your expenses. I think it’s better to put them in one pool and assume he will spend them responsibly. I have a lot of questions for you all. You can’t control how he spends his money.you are in control how you spend.
You have several options. One, if you choose all joint accounts, create a budget for things like food and eating out and stick to it. If your boyfriend views your joint account as a pile of money that he can spend as he pleases, he’ll probably spend it every month. If he has or can develop the discipline to stick to a predetermined budget, he can do everything in a joint account.
Otherwise, you should use a joint account to split fixed costs (costs that don’t change each month) and calculate variable costs as they occur. You shouldn’t be forced to pay for an expensive restaurant meal you don’t want, and he doesn’t have to refuse it every time because that’s not how you spend your money. You both need to accept that you have different attitudes to spending and saving and find a compromise that doesn’t police each other’s behavior on that front. You don’t need to have the same spending style, but you should both be on the same page about how much you’ll spend, including big-ticket items like a jointly owned car.
Your boyfriend is right that his plan is easier, but that’s because it doesn’t require any budget or constraints, so that’s not a rational argument for doing it. There is no platonic way for someone with a decent income to spend their money. Very individual. Some people prefer to spend their money on eating out and experiences, while others prefer to splurge on big purchases. In the end, it comes down to how you think about what kind of life you want in both the short and long term. If you’re going to get married, you need to be on the same page about that first and foremost, then the right solution to money conflicts will become more easily apparent.
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Mr. Paydirt
What is tipping etiquette at a high-end restaurant? I recently got a new job that is a bigger promotion than my previous job. I thought it would take 10 years to see this kind of money. The problem is that sometimes I get asked to go to very expensive restaurants. The cost of living in our city is probably a little higher than average, so in the past I’ve typically spent around $20 to $30 on eating out, not including alcohol. Now I go to restaurants where meals are usually $100 to $150. So far I haven’t had to pay and neither has my boss, but I think I’ll have to pay at some point. I used to work as a server, so I don’t want to bother anyone, but these expensive meals are just as hassle-free as the cheaper ones. Do I really need to tip 20 or 25 percent? Our table lingered about two hours longer that night, and the bill totaled over $1,000. For one table, that server’s 20% tip made more profit than most people would have made on his 8-hour day. I know it’s hard to serve, but frankly this seems ridiculous. What is etiquette?
—A reasonable dump truck
Dear Rational Tipper Truckers
I don’t agree that expensive meals are less of a hassle than cheaper meals, but that aside, you should still tip 20-25 percent. Servers at high-end restaurants are often there because it’s a career, not a stepping stone to another job. They will need to undergo more training, learn more about food and wine, and perhaps be held to standards that you did not have. Some of them may have moved cities to specifically work with a particular chef or hospitality group. If it looks effortless, it’s probably because they can do the job.
But even if you don’t, the etiquette is the same whether you’re at a fancy restaurant or at your local greasy spoon. If you are not willing to pay the full price, including tip, and you are the one choosing the restaurant and hosting it, you should choose a less expensive restaurant. Don’t underestimate chips in high-end servers.
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Mr. Paydirt
A few years ago, I started an online support group with a few other women who work in very male-dominated professions. (Sorry, I have to be vague here.) Many of us work for big agencies, but some of us are freelancers and are happy to share our gigs and resources. We operate on the agreement that what is said within the group remains within the group and is a safe place to seek advice. She is the only young member. I’ll call you “Amy”.
I recently discovered that Amy is related to a co-worker that we have all dealt with before… who was very difficult to work with at times. One member of the group expressed dissatisfaction with their communication style. I joked that they tended to micromanage.Amy agreed that they were. [extended] Family, and nothing more. Her colleague has since stopped working on projects with me, but I have reason to believe that Amy may have uttered the abuse. Sure, she kind of regrets sharing it, but she’s also angry because she asked Amy for freelance work when she needed it. How should I deal with this?
–What happened to Girls Code?
Dear Girl Code
You have not presented any evidence that your coworker ghosting you has anything to do with what she knows about your feelings, much less that Amy is the cause of it. They haven’t presented any evidence that there is. But even if she is, being in a support group means that she is more likely to be attached to you than to her family, even if the norm is for what is said in the group to remain in the group. It does not mean that you owe any loyalty to them.
First, consider that unless you have proof that Amy is the reason why the coworker you don’t want to hang out with cornered you, you may be being grossly unfair to her, and second. And if she mentions it, that doesn’t mean she’s not a good fit for the freelance job you’re asking for. That does not obligate her to remain silent while you criticize her family. And it seems like she mentioned her relationship within the group so that no one would say anything worse and that it could put her in a dangerous position.
If you’re worried about a project a coworker ghosted you on, don’t make assumptions, ask them directly what happened. Maybe there’s a good reason why you’re pushing yourself even though there’s nothing.
–Elizabeth
classic prudy
I have been dating a man for 8 years now who is a loving and wonderful person in many ways. He adores me and treats me like a queen. The problem is, I don’t want anything anymore. He suffers from alcoholism and anxiety, is unable to hold down his job, and still lives like a college student even though he is in his 40s. Even though he has many good qualities, I, a divorced mother of two, decided four years ago that he was not what I was looking for.But all these problems, mainly due to lack of money, he still Not leaving my space.
